I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.