I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
what it’s like dating me:
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Breaking news:
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands