He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”