Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.