carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.