Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.