It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*bites zombie*
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂