[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.