Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
White Castle for the Win
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
🏙👨🏼
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.