Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k