turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I am HOWLING at this
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube