Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?