Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers