ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People