Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.