If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The best shot in the history of golf
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.