Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name