Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
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Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Möther may I have a snäck
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.