Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.