Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
True
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
🤣could you imagine
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what