Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”