I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
im all 3