I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.