Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
You Might Also Like
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird