[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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Me trying to look natural in photos
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.