I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out