Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
How can a pair of men鈥檚 swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
People I hate when I鈥檓 driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I鈥檓 driving.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don鈥檛 get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 馃檨
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I鈥檒l never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I鈥檒l Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Time zones shouldn鈥檛 be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it鈥檚 only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it鈥檚 actually two in the morning.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.