*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
This is my favorite one of these!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.