The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again