[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Is….Is this an option?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
#catsoftwitter