Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*