American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”