The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
bad news gang
*weighs self after shaving
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Cake!!
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?