People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok