I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.