“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.