Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I am having an out of money experience.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip