If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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Jogging
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m not wrong
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay