If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.