Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.