Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone