I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You Might Also Like
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
what kind of cook setting is this??
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that