I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing