When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.