One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Saturday
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.