Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
She: I like Cats
He:
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight