My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
You Might Also Like
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Cheers Twitter.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off