Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
another case of gang violins
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’