When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
me when I see my crush
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That