guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.